Random Drabbles of an Asian Girl
by Random Panic
Summary: This is the result of complete boredom and getting high on orange juice. XD What happens when I'm completely bored and can't sleep? CHAOS! Was companion to an upcoming FMA fic but can go on alone. EdxOC, some AlxOC, in a way RoyxAl, EnvyxCantaloupe CRACK.
1. Mr Cuddle Wuddle's PreSchool

Random Drabbles of an Asian Girl

A/N: - barges through random door - LA LI HO!

Ed: Wrong story.

O.O ...It IS? - looks around - ...oh...hehe...in that case...

- barges through random door AGAIN - OHAYO FELLOW READERS!!!!!! - waves - It's Chi-Chan, back with an all new story! XD Actually, this was supposed to be posted after I posted at least one chapter of my upcoming story...- sweat drop -...but, it was just sitting in my notebook for so long after an attempt to right a better story than my friend, and...it just looked so _lonely_...therefore, I apologize if there is any confusion, but to prevent that, here's a character key that I will use in this story and my next story. XD

**Lori: A 15 year old girl who is considered one of the best auto-mail mechanics in the world. She is also a dog in the military and is the 2****nd**** youngest state alchemist.**

**Naomi: Lori's best friend. She is an aspiring young magician and specializes in medicine and potion brewing.**

Yes, I know. Short, but ( somewhat ) helpful for this story. Well, enough chit-chat, LET US BEGIN!!!!!!!! - death music plays from random piano -

Disclaimer: I do not Fullmetal Alchemist. If I did, bad things would happen. - grins evilly - VERY bad things...- maniacal laughter -

**Random Drabbles of an Asian Girl**

Written by: Chi-Chan ( aka: Random Panic )

Chapter 1: Mr. Cuddle Wuddle's Pre-school

A drunk Lori pushed Ed onto a bed and jumped onto him. "W...wh...what the hell are you doing?" Ed asked in a nervous tone, a blend of horror and panic creeping onto his face.

"Mmm...Edo-kun looks so handsome..." she said, grinning at him while creeping over him little by little.

"ED!!! ED!!!" Winry yelled, crashing through the fake wall of the set.

"DAMMIT WINRY!!! I WAS JUST ABOUT TO HAVE A HOT, SEXY, LOVE TRIAL WITH LORI!!!" he screamed in Winry's face as he got up from the mattress.

"But it's important..." she replied, switching to chibi mode with puppy dog eyes the size of saucers. He sighed.

"Don't tell me that Al got his lucky stripper thong stuck in the toilet again."

"Nope!" Winry responded happily.

"Fine then, whaddaya want?" He sighed again.

"I FINALLY LEARNED MY AGD'S (1)!!!!!" She bellowed triumphantly, her head enlarging and eyes getting a serious case of Major Armstrong's "sparklies". "Listen!" A, G, D, b, E, J, F, K, P, S, Q, C, L, Y, X, W, T, N, M, H, O, I, R, U, Z, V, 24!!!!" she sang overjoyed in such a horrible voice it could scare Scar out of his heart printed undies.

"DAMMIT WINRY!!! YOUR MAKING US DEAF WITH THAT DUMB ASS SINGING OF YOURS!!!" yelled Lori, shielding her ears from the horrid noise escaping from the mechanic whore's mouth.

"WHAT THE HELL'S GONG ON? IT SOUNDS LIKE A DYING WALRUS!!!" cried Naomi, walking towards the set complaining about the ruckus.

"WINRY'S PRACTICING THE ALPHABET!!!" Ed hollered back.

"OMG! IT'S HAPPENING AGAIN!!! WINRY AHNOLD ROCKBELL!!! YOUR SINGING IT ALL WRONG!!! Pinako screeched, stepping into the room. Winry halted her serenade of the alphabet. "Do you WANT to stay in Mr. Cuddle Wuddle's Pre-school forever?" the granny crossed her arms.

"But I like Mr. Cuddle Wuddles! Winry said. "He's warm, fuzzy, and reeks of alcoholic beverages!" She smiled as she hugged herself. "I luv Mr. Cuddle Wuddles and Mr. Cuddle Wuddles luvs me!!!" Everyone stared.

"WILLY WONKA MOLESTED CHARLIE'S CHOCOLATE!!!" Envy shrieked, crashing through the left wall. Apparently, Envy shattered the wall so hard that it caused the wall next to it to come tumbling down, revealing a nude Al struggling to pull what appeared to be a red thong out of the toilet. The room fell silent, where the only noise to be heard was the sound of running toilet water. Suddenly, Roy and Major Armstrong blasted through the last remaining wall. The catch? THEY WERE WEARING SPANDEX!!!

"OH YEAH!!! I'M TOTALLY BRINGIN' SMEXY BACK!!! Roy bawled, turning around smiling, revealing an ass outline from the bottom of his attire. They all watched in fear, except for Envy, who was too busy humping a cantaloupe while humming a song about leprechauns, unicorns, and horse radish. "I look sexy, no? Like a smexy ( insert any random place in the world you desire ) super model?!" Roy mused as he strutted his stuff in front of the gawking group of people.

"Well, this is something we don't see everyday..." Lori stated as a sweatdrop appeared on the backs of their heads.

"Not for me!" Major Armstrong cried. "Wearing spandex has been a pride passed down in the Armstrong family for generations!" the major said, sparkling as if wearing spandex was some sort of heroic justice. Everyone stared...well, except for Envy, who again was still losing his virginity ( or whats left of it from the previous produce items he's fucked with in the past ) to the poor cantaloupe.

"Oh...shit..." Naomi said before losing conciousness.

* * *

to be continued...

* * *

(1) yep, that's right, AGD's. It's a little parody I made up from the alphabet.

(2) a strange name that I got from a video my friend sent me.

A/N: Yeah, I know. The grammar and punctuation might be off a little bit, but I checked it and made a few changes already. This was derived from my notebook, where if it's in there, I don't really care if it's good or not, but I left it ( mostly ) unchanged from the original writing piece. Well, please review!!! Flames accepted!!!


	2. Naomi and the Dream

A/N: ME BE SPAZZY ASS WHO BARKS LIKE A CORN CAKE NOW!!!!!!!!!!!! XD

Ed: O.O

Me: FRUIT SALAD YUMMY YUMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Emmie-Chan ( she's a friend of mine ): Could someone just frickin' start the story before Chi goes all Harry Potter psycho all over again?

Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HE-WHO-MUST-NOT-BE-NAMED!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HARRY'S GLASSES HAVE A GLARE!!!!!!!!!!! IT BURNSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! RON!!!!!!!!!! QUICK!!!!!!!!!!! TAKE THIS BOTTLE OF FELIX FELICIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! O.O - spazzes -

Everyone: O.O

Emmie-Chan: Too late...ROLL THE STORY!!!!!!

Disclaimer: I **DO NOT** own Fullmetal Alchemist. I already talked this over with dear Emmie-Chan and she said that if I burned the patent, I would be burning the cow. - seeks icing-filled revenge on cow - I also do not own Sanjaya, the Telletubbies, and any song/and or person I have mentioned in this story. Except for Naomi and Lori. They're MY creations. XDDDD

**Random Drabbles of an Asian Girl**

Written by: Chi-Chan

Chapter 2: Naomi and the Dream

* * *

Naomi stood in the middle of a vast, open, field. The birds were chirping, the cute and cuddly animals were frolicking, and the scent of hamster shit was in the air.

"Aaahh! This is the life..." She sighed dreamily, deeply inhaling the pungent smell of rodent crap. She let herself fall back first onto the pure, green, grass, the oh-so soft and comfy grass made of marshmallows, cotton candy, licorice whips, butter cream roses, POT, crack, margarita mix, dark chocolate fudge, candy canes, and Sanjaya, oh yes, a LOT of Sanjaya** ( no offence to Sanjaya and Sanjaya lovers everywhere )**. She let out another deep, happy, sigh as she plucked one of the thin blades of grass.

Oh how she loved to chew on the damned things! After it was thoroughly examined by her clear blue eyes, she smiled thoughtfully before stating "Aw, what the hell!...", and before you could say SanjayaslovakiahubbabubbaIwantmymoneybackcuzIspent1wholecenttowatchthatSanj- yadudeonAmericanIdolanditsowasn'tworthitMalakar **( again, I am very sorry for this, but Emmie-Chan loved it and there-fore I was forced to put this in T.T )**, she yanked a handful of grass and fiercely shoved the fearfully large helpings into her mouth.

"Mmm..." she whispered, closing her eyes as she continued to devour the grass by doing a strange chewing imitation of a cow ( oh how Ed would LOVE to make love to a cow ). The chewy, addicting, grass tasted just like she had imagined it, lavender and lilac, with a little hint of hamster droppings. Once again, she sighed.

"Ahh...this is the good life!" she smiled serenely. Just then, a rustling sound came from not too far from where she lied. Naomi shot up, looking alarmed. "The hell?" she asked, looking around worriedly. There it was again!, only this time, it sounded nearer. Soon it occurred to her. Someone else was here to.

She got to her feet, and soon enough, the sound came closer, becoming clearer as though feet were running through the grass. It seemed pretty much the same, except that it was now saying something which sounded like someone was calling out her name.

She stared, her eyes filled with fear at a line of purple, red, green, and yellow, a rather odd combination, that seemed to be dancing right in front of her eyes! It was nearing her, quickly she shut her eyes. Then, the noise had ceased. Assuming that she was alone again, she looked up.

"Eh oh!!!" the colors said waving to her, face to face. She screamed.

"AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!" Naomi yelled in horror, bolting upright. "THE TELLETUBBIES ARE COMING!!! THEIR GONNA EAT ME ALIVE!!!...huh?" she asked looking around. The shock-filled faces of her bewildered co-workers stood before her, staring at her as though she announced that she had finally decided to participate The Digimon Lovers Society by posing as a plus-sized Digimon wearing a string bikini.

"Umm...hi?" Lori said, not taking her eyes off of Naomi's terror-struck face.

"Uhh...hehe...are they gone yet?" she asked, whimpering and retreating herself beneath the blanket she had been given after she had passed out. They all just stared at her.

"That reminds me Lori, I haven't seen Envy, Roy, Armstrong, and Al for a while." Ed said, turning to his beloved. "Where are they?"

As if on cue, the lights blacked out, leaving nothing in sight but pitch-black darkness. After a short amount of wasted time, a flash of light appeared, seeming to brighten up the view for a small moment. Wincing at the painful sight of light, they all looked ahead. The light was set onto a stage that must have mystically appeared in front of them.

"Since when the hell did that get there? Ed asked, staring confused at the sight of the stage before them.

"Attention all under-challenged bitches and mentally scarred bastards!" a voice boomed from above. "I now bring to you, the finest in all entertainment, THE FULLMETAL STRIPPAS!!!" A puff of smoke clouded the stage as "Sexy Back" began playing in the backround. When the smoke finally cleared, Armstrong, Roy, Al, and Envy appeared onto the stage wearing their trusty, multi-colored spandex ( or in this case, tight fitting speedos ), which caused outrage in many countries at that very moment.

"Oh yeah! I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt, so sexy it hurtsss!" Roy sang out, horribly out of tune and dragging the "S" at the end. He ripped of his shirt while doing a really disgraceful dance which seemed to be cross between the macarena and fucking a female kangaroo.

"YOSH! You said it you dirty sex pistol!!!" Armstrong bellowed, grinning in Roy's direction as he too, stripped himself of his shirt and began flexing his awfully sickening muscles, and sparkling, you can NEVER forget the sparkling.

Al on the other hand, decided to take every damn thing off except for his "lucky" red thong from the previous chapter, which was still frickin' wet from the strangely colored toilet water, and started frolicking in the nude, as if he were a unicorn prancing through the meadows with a deep appreciation for Justin Timberlake **( again, sorry 'bout that. )**.

And Envy, how could we EVER forget Envy. Well, he decided to do a slick poll dance while smoothly rubbing the cantaloupe across his chest and humming "My Humps". I know, sick, isn't it?

Ed, Lori, and the now Telletubby resistant Naomi, were now cringing in fear at the scary sight that would make children cry, adults shake, and lollipops go running down town. Strangely, no matter how hard they tried, they just couldn't take their eyes off of the nude, badly dancing, deafening singing, cantaloupe humping, showoffs. Perhaps they didn't try hard enough, but they soon gave up and gave in to watching their creepy friends do their "thang" on the light shone stage.

"Someone...please...take my life this very moment..." Lori said like she was in a trance as she handed Ed a plastic spoon.

* * *

to be continued...

* * *

A/N: HARRY!!!!!!!!! NOOOO!!!!!!!!! - twitch - -twitch -

Emmie-Chan: O.O

Ed: She's a Harry Potter nerd...

Me: HARRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Everyone: O.O - complete silence -

Emmie-Chan: Okay then? O.o well, please review! And please, review or else we will never cease to see Chi go Harry Potter hyper. So I beg you, PLEASE REVIEW!!!!!!!!!!!! - sob -

Me: lalallalalalalalalaHARRYPOTTERlalalalalalalalala


	3. Roy and Al, Together 4 Ever

A/N: HARRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HARRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HARRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OO - spazzes more than ever -

Emmie-Chan: - bangs head repetitively on Ed's shoulder -

Ed: - eating pudding -

Me: HARRY!!!!!!!!!!! NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CHO'S NOT WORTH IT HARRY!!!!!!!!!!! AND GINNY'S JUST AS BADDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU DESERVE BETTER HARRY!!!!!!! BETTERRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!! O.O

Emmie-Chan: - sigh - Sadly, there weren't enough reviews for Chi to stop being psycho over Harry Potter, but then again, even if she had ALL the reviews in the world, she still would be protesting Harry's love for Cho Chang and the Weasley girl. - sighs - but still, that doesn't mean that Chi forgot to reply THE SMALL AMOUNT BUT VERY COMFORTING REVIEWERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! XDDDD

**September5Rhyme - haha I agree with you SO much with the telletubbies! YOSH!!!!!!! WE SHALL START A TELLETUBBY RESISTANCE PROGRAM FOR ALL YEE SCARED INNOCENCE!!!!!!!!!! - gets all commando - Thanks for your review! And of course THE DEATHLY HALLOWS RULES!!!!!!!!!!!! XDDDD**

**Hinata-rocks - Oh Hinata! Your reviews make me feel all happy inside! XD No one's EVER been a big fan off my work before! - starts tearing up - This just may be a start of a wonderful friendship!!! XD and I LUFFED your idea for plastic spoon pal! So I have made a few changes to my 6 month ready chapter to add PLASTIC SPOONY PALLLLL!!!!!!!!! XDDD Thanks for your reviews! XD**

Me: DAMN YOU CHO CHANG!!!!!!!!!!! - starts shooting darts at a random Cho Chang poster -I HATE YOU GINNY WEASLEY!!!!!!!!! - shoots darts at Ginny poster -

Emmie-Chan: - sigh - Again, Chi thanks all who have reviewed and all who ( possibly ) read this so far. - big smile - Now, lets get on with business shall we?

Ed: HEY!!!!!!!!! ARE YOU CALLING ME SHORT?!?!?!??!!

Emmie-Chan: - rolls eyes - ON WITH THE STORY!!!!!!!!!! - insert flames of independence in the background -

Disclaimer: I DO NOT own FMA or any song/ and or person I mention. I don't really care that much because I'M KEEPING ED AND HARRY POTTER HOSTAGE AT MY HOUSE!!!!!!!! BWAHAHAHAA!!!!!!

Emmie-Chan: - crosses arms -

Me: fine...- pouts - I don't own any of them. BUT ONE DAY I WILL!!!!!! BWAHAHA!!!!!

Emmie-Chan: - cough -

Me: - shifty eyes - fine...- cries silently -

**Random Drabbles of an Asian Girl**

Written by: Chi-Chan

Chapter 3: Roy and Al, Together 4 Ever

"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK I'M SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THE DAMNED FORK?!?!?! MAKE OUT WITH IT?!?!?!" Ed yelled, his face turning red as he held up the plastic eating utensil in front of Lori's face.

"FOR YOUR INFORMATION, IT'S NAME IS CLARE-RESSE!!!!!!!! AND I ALREADY TOLD YOU WHAT TO DO 598,431,342 TIMES!!!!!!!!!" Lori shouted back with a look on her face that said "do you WANT to die early? because I could arrange that very quickly for you".

"JUST STAB ME WITH THE FRICKIN' FORK YOU IGNORANT, PISSY PANTS, BASTARD!!!!!!!"

"I DON'T WANNA!!!!!" Ed cried out, pouting and crossing his arms.

Me: And thus began the big fight, which sounded A LOT like this!:

Lori: "WHY NOT!!!!!! ITS NOT LIKE IT AFFECTS YOU IN ANY PHYSICAL WAY!!!!!!!"

Ed: "CUZ I DON'T WANNA!!!!!!"

Lori: "Bastard..."

Ed: "HEY!!! WHOAREYOUCALLIN'SOSHORTTHATHERUNSAROUNDINADAMNED- HAMSTERWHEELALLDAYLONGANDONLYSTOPSTOFUCKNAOMI'SPETHAMSTER, YA FREAKIN' BITCH?!?!?!?!?!"

Suddenly, Naomi appeared in the background, sobbing in a dark corner while clutching her hamster in the palm of her hand and murmuring something which, to people who weren't listening carefully enough, sounded like plans to raid Walmart and steal all of the low-priced deodorant she could sniff. Hmm...let us listen to this, VERY important shit while humming a song about pandas and pondering about the wonders of life, death, and where the hell Envy learned how to "touch" a fruit like that.

Naomi: Mr. Fluffy Bottom's, is everything that Ed confessed TRUE?!?!

Mr. Fluffy Bottom's: - shits a whole mound on Naomi's hand -

Naomi: - cries even harder - So it IS true!!! - sob - And now I have to repeat my sacred hygiene ritual ALL OVER AGAIN!!!!!! - cries while placing a cap that sports the words "I Brush Daily" on her head -

Meanwhile during Naomi's little take on the 20th century soap opera and Lori and Ed's little "Circle of Love ( if you want to call it that )", Major Armstrong, Al, Envy, and of course, the self-obsessed Roy, were still busy being the life of the party. Armstrong typically showing off and of course sparkling, HOW COULD WE EVER FORGET the sparkling, Envy was still "gettin' it on" with the not caring cantaloupe, Roy was...HEY!!! WAIT A FRICKIN' HIPPO INDUCED SECOND!!!!!!! WHERE THE HELL IS THAT COMMANDO-MY-ASS BASTARD ROY?!?!?!?! AND MR. NUDEY PANTS AL IS GONE TOO!!!!!! THE HELL?!?!?!

"Oooh...OOOH...uh-huh...oh YEAH...that's the right spot!" Al said, strangely relaxed and making awkward faces as each word left his dirty, little, mouth. "...Oh yeah...COME ON!!!!!!! IS _THAT_ THE BEST YOU CAN DO?!?!?! SHOW SOME LOOOOVVVEEEE WILL YA?!?!?! COME ON FLAME ALCHEMIST!!!!!! TURN UP THE HEAT!!!!" He demanded, grinning dirtily.

"As you wish, young Al..." the colonel responded cooly, smiling mischievously as he moved his hand to...HOLD ON THERE ROMEO!!!!!! Just before we go ANY further with these rather naughty sounding shannanigans, I just want all you brilliant readers to know, that this is **NOT** what it may sound like. Al and Roy just so happened to be toying around with their new, shiny, battery powered, portable electric fan. NOT "gettin' jiggy with it" like Envy and his cantaloupe, cuz we all know that, that is a different situation. So no they weren't - ahem - "tying the not" or whatever you sickos think they were doing. Now, where were we? Ah yes...

"As you wish, young Al..." the colonel responded cooly, smiling mischievously as he moved his hand to turn on the fan.

"OH YEAH!!!!!!!! THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKIN' 'BOUT!!!!!!" Al shouted, the wind smacking his face. "UH-HUH!!!! FEEL THE BUUURRRRNNNN!!!!!!!" he bellowed, once again stripping himself of his shirt.

"Yess...that's right...'feel the burn' you naughty little thang..." Roy smiled flirtatiously, pulling out a camera and taking very poorly focused pictures in Al's direction.

"Hey! Are you ogling me you bad boy?" Al asked the pervy colonel cautiously.

"Oh no! Of course not!..." Roy responded smacking his lips. "Say Al, can you strike a pose?"

"Sure!" Al replied happily, obviously unaware of what the colonel was doing, then searching for a prop.

"Meow!" purred a random black and white cat that just so happened to be walking past them, as if heaven had heard their cry and shone a sparkle-beam of light upon the poor cat. Suddenly, noticing the sign from above, Al scooped up the poor kitty and glomping it so hard it looked like it was going to spill fur-balls all over the darkened room.

"I SHALL NAME HIM SQUISHY!!!!!" he announced proudly, displaying the animal out atop his palm. "And he shall be mine!!! MY SQUISHY!!!" he continued on, poking the innocent ball of fluff in amusement.

"Yes...that's right..." Roy said, smiling his pervy smile while taking as many photos of Al that was humanly possible. "...your squishy..."

to be continued...

A/N: MERLIN'S PANTS!!!!!!!!!!! - bangs head on table -

Emmie-Chan and Ed: - sweat drop -

Emmie-Chan: I'm sorry about that. Chi just happened to find out the ending to "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows".

Me: DAMN THAT GINNY BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!! - rolls around crying -

Everyone: O.o

Me: - gets up and yawns - Okay, I'm over it. XD

Emmie-Chan: OO

Me: btw, I was thinking of writing a Harry Potter fanfiction. Should I? Or should I keep my horrible writing to myself? O.o oh yeah, and CAN SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME WHERE I CAN FIND A COOL AVATAR?!?!?!?!?! - twitch - -twitch -

Emmie-Chan: O.o ...umm...at least you got over Harry Potter!...

Me: NO I HAVEN'T!!!!!!!!!! - cries and rolls around again -

Emmie-Chan: - sweat drop and coughs - well, please answer Chi's questions, therefore she can have feedback and answers. Well, Chi, Ed...

Ed: THAT'S ME!!!!!!

Emmie-Chan: - glare of death -

Ed: - shuts up -

Emmie-Chan: ...Ed, and I, hope you enjoyed this chapter of Random Drabbles of an Asian Girl. Don't forget to review! XD flames are acceptable!!!

**( Note: No animals were harmed in the writing of this chapter. )**


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